I just watched my sister go through an amazing transformation. Over the course of two weeks, she focused all her faith on being healed (emotionally) by the Atonement of Christ. She fasted, she prayed, she went to the temple. And one day she woke up, with only forgiveness and compassion in her heart for her ex-husband who abused her emotionally, and the people in her past that had molested her when she was young. It seemed so easy.
I have a theory though--I think that those of us who go through the less obvious traumas have a harder time healing. We can't validate our own pain when compared to those with abusive parents or spouses. I can't compare my suicidal ideas to those of a woman who was tortured or raped. What do I say? "My husband was mean to me today. My siblings didn't want to play with me." Sure doesn't sound very terrible. And yet, here I am. I either sink into depression on a bad day, or have terrible and angry mood swings that affect my dear husband and toddler son. How can I reach out for help, when I don't even feel like I deserve it? I know that I was in pain for years because of the way I was treated in my family. My big, loving, somewhat chaotic family was probably not prepared for my personality. I can't even blame them.
Now I struggle with finding healing. I almost wrote 'healing myself'... But I think the point is to accept healing from the Ones who can actually provide it. I have no ability to fix myself. And now I have to get over the enormous obstacle of doubting Their very existence. Meanwhile, my sister is on cloud nine, and I sink deeper and deeper into the dark parts inside myself on days that just don't go right enough.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
"Therefore may Goddess grant unto you, my sisters, that ye may begin to exercise your faith unto repentance, that ye begin to call upon her holy name, that she would have mercy upon you;
Yea, cry unto her for mercy; for she is mighty to save.
Yea, humble yourselves, and continue in prayer unto her.
Cry unto her when ye are in your fields, yea, over all your flocks.
Cry unto her in your houses, yea, over all your household, both morning, mid-day, and evening.
Yea, cry unto her against the power of your enemies.
Yea, cry unto her against the devil, who is an enemy to all righteousness.
Cry unto her over the crops of your fields, that ye may prosper in them.
Cry over the flocks of your fields, that they may increase."
From Alona 34
This is not how the scripture was written originally, but I've re-gendered it to bring it closer to myself. Goddess is equal in perfection, power, and love to her partner God. She is not a wild pagan idol, asking for orgies to please Her, or for debasing rituals to worship Her. I know that much. Is She a part of this patriarchy? Does She really sit in the background, withholding affection and love and communication because our institutions do not allow for Her worship?
I hope not. I hope that these verses are valid the way they are written. I hope that She listens and hears every hope and fear and dream and sob that emanates from Her dear children, and answers us. Perhaps our hearts aren't open to hear the wisdom as Her gift to us, and can only accept that answers come from a loving Father. Is it our fault? Is it my fault?
It's been said that our issues with Deity are reflected in our issues with our parents.
But I have to go finish packing now, literally and metaphorically. I have to tie up the loose ends of my life and time in this region, and prepare for a sojourn in the wilderness.
I'm moving. My faith is moving, my spirit is moving, my body is moving. I am transitioning to a desert, and I am starting from a different beginning--a beginning with very little on the landscape besides some trees and sand. My knowing and believing are being scoured clean by a hot wind, and the beating sun is testing my very roots.