Two people, one body

If you've never suffered from depression, these words may make no sense to you.  If they ring true, you may want to look into finding some healing.

A day of relapse: I walk around, on the verge of tears.  It doesn't matter if I'm walking to class or playing with Sprout.  I could be eating lunch, or driving to a dentist appointment.  The moisture in my eyes is constant, the lump in my throat and the pit in my chest do not go away. There is a physical feeling of a weight on my shoulders and back, that bows me down and requires even more strength just to keep walking.
Why tears?  A memory, a flashback, an unkind word from a loved one... Or maybe just that underlying feeling that my life is worthless, my efforts pointless, my very existence a mistake.  The spiritual inroads are blocked, the feelings of joy or laughter have disappeared like a cooling, misty rain evaporates under a hot, beating sun.
I search for something to bring relief.  Only I don't deserve relief, so why am I trying?
The intense desire to curl up in a dark corner, make myself as small as I can, and sob or just crouch in the numbness, rules my thoughts.  The world is slightly darker, as if the bright sun has a blackened aura, and the shade is darker.  My shadow doesn't stream away from me, it clings to my body, absorbing light that would normally waken my senses and leave me subconsciously, quietly, content in the energy I receive.
Divine forces are absent.  Feelings of love and security are completely unreachable.
I can't protect myself enough.  I can't become invisible enough.  I can't hide.
That is my first person.  It's what takes over my inner self.  On these days, it reigns supreme.

My second person is what you see.  You might think something is off, and I tell you brightly that I'm just tired because my life is so full!  I laugh with you, or text you a lot of "hahaha" and "lol" to pepper our witty banter.  I smile and socialize with friends and classmates.  If other people are around, I'm an engaged and playful mother with Sprout, full of love and laughter.
I offer support to friends in need, and speak firmly of things that feed the soul.  I converse with family in cheerful tones, doing my best to respond with maturity and compassion to situations of disagreement or irritation.
I have showered, dressed in clean clothes, and go through the motions of eating.  I do my best to complete assignments or ask at least one pertinent question during a class where I am noticed and graded on participation. I seem to be present.

I seem to be normal.

I am two people, sharing one body.

For help, try starting here: http://www.ifred.org/

Hello

Hi. I'm Buzzy.


Dryad and I have been friends for a couple of years now (close friends for one), and walk a similar path in lifestyle and spirituality. We're good for each other in a balancing kind of way. She has written here of being "water," emotional and always moving from one thing to another. I am more earthy, solid and pragmatic. Our strengths balance each others weaknesses. I feel blessed to be friends, soul-sisters, fellow daughters of Our Mother and Father Above.


She invited me to come guest post here periodically. (In part I must chuckle at her invitation since she just started the other blog for 'earthy thoughts' and I am pretty darn earthy!) I write about much of my faith journey on my blog, but since my family reads there there are some things I have wanted to share in a slightly more anonymous venue.


I live in rural Alaska, where the wind blusters, the ravens cry, the caribou call, the ocean rolls, and the lights in the sky dance at night. I hope to be able to share a little of my journey as it compliments Dryad's, and hopefully a little magic too.

photo from here, no I didn't take it, 
but it was taken locally

Pardon the dust...

I'm in the process of redesigning this blog.  Feel free to leave comments on changes--I'd love some input from people who actually read it.

In other news: I have started a second blog, called Fire, Air, Earth.  Anything not faith-related or part of my emotional journeys will head over there so I can preserve the tone of my Grove.

http://fireairearth.blogspot.com/

Check it out if you want--there's only one post so far, because it's insanely late and I have no idea why I have picked now as the best time to add complications to my life.  But anyway.  Maybe you're  compulsive blog reader, like me.

Authenticity

http://brightonwoman.blogspot.com/2011/10/authenticity.html?

Please take a moment to read this.  It's pretty much what I would like to say, only she has had more writing practice :)

The world needs love, more than anything else.

Lioness

As I walked the edge of the dream world last night, that misty place between waking and sleeping, where the subconscious and the universe can speak to the mind that remembers, a lioness came to me.  I was dreaming of a field expedition for anthropologists, somewhere in a jungle.  We stayed in well-furnished tents, but had to stay inside during the evening because that is when the big cats were out hunting.  I saw a pride of lions slinking and dashing about our camp, their colors blurred around the edges.  They looked more like pieces of art than actual animals, except for my lioness.  She came closer to the tent, and through a huge rush of terror, I stepped outside to meet her.  I told myself that I had to let go of my fear.  She looked at me, and I gradually became aware of the feeling that she would not hurt me.  She became my wild friend.  She was not my pet, and I still feared the other lions.  She was just there to be with me.  Feelings of strength, wisdom, wild courage, and independence radiated from her.

I can't remember the rest of the dream, though I hope more comes back to me.  I don't know what my lioness offers me yet, and I'm still trying to dissect the meaning.  The most heartening thing is that I was able to surmount my fear in a dream, which easily could have become a nightmare.

Found by my Inner Goddess

The past few days have been filled with a magic unlike any I have felt before now.  I may or may not write my whole experience, but I need to write about my goddess.  She looks like me, only perfectly healthy and sound. Her hair is long and full, her limbs straight and strong, and she walks with confidence, love, and compassion.  Her eyes are pools of wisdom and her movements are graceful.  She is not from this time or place, but from outside time, coming to join me behind my heart-wall to reassure me that hope is real.  She accepts me perfectly, wholly, and loves me without reserve.  She understands every pain and fear and doubt that possesses me, and in a language that does not exist on this earth, she has sworn not to leave me until I no longer need her by my side.  She walks with me, and whispers encouragement into my right ear, and meets me in my safe place to hold my hands and fill my vision with my own divine nature.  She is my future self, the one who has fulfilled her destiny, her potential, her joy.  She has no regrets, only acknowledges her growing experiences with gratitude.
I had looked for her in vain, trying to force her to materialize based on my own perceptions and needs, trying to follow the formula of another person who had found hers.  I gave up, thinking I'd never feel the real magic that has been described by others.  I wished for it, hoped for it, but never expected it.
She came upon me softly yesterday, slipping in through a tiny crack in my shield.  She is the only one behind that wall with me.  Her soft touch has opened my eyes to beauty and joy in my little piece of the world that was hidden behind clouds of rage, disappointment, grief, despair, numbness, and fear.  Her well of love and courage is deep and forever full and available.

I am not fully healed, and I do not know that I ever will be.  But my goddess is with me, and the deepest darkness cannot touch her radiance.  May my shield open enough to allow my Goddess into my heart.

Blessed Be.

"Embracing Faith Transition." by Joanna Brooks

"My faith is not the same faith I had when I was sixteen years old.
It isn’t without wrinkles, puckers, and scars. It isn’t perfect now, but
really, it wasn’t perfect then either. It is not effortless, and it never has
been. If I stood my faith naked before a crowd, some might say it
isn’t very pretty. Not pretty at all. But it is my faith. It is hardworking,
scarred, and muscular. It has been cut, pierced, torn, and reorganized
beyond recognition. It has been fed, and it has fed others.

"My faith is strong in the way a survivor’s body is strong. To survive,
I let go of some once-precious parts of myself, parts of myself
that others may have thought were special and beautiful. But these
parts were not healthy any more. They were making me sick. And
my survival was more important than holding onto them. They
have gone, and my faith has a new silhouette.

"My faith has been through some major transitions, and it continues
to change. It may not be pretty, but just look how many miles my faith
has carried me. I can say: I have lived, I have lived, and my spirit is
stronger still."

http://www.exponentii.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/fMhExIIFinal.pdf

www.exponentii.org

I have fallen victim to another time-sucker

I'm on Pinterest now.  I never got the point of it before, but I've discovered that I can use it for treasure mapping, so that will be my main goal.  I hope.  Also, it's an easy way to blog--just pictures!  A picture is worth a thousand words, right?  Sooo... Not much is up yet, and the only treasure mapping I'm doing is for my trip to Ireland in 2013.  But here's the link anyway:

https://pinterest.com/dryad/

Enjoy!