|This. Is not me. Though I'm sure some people think I'm headed down this road now.|
Here is a short list of reasons why I just pierced my nose. I'm about to turn 30, and I have no business in a piercing parlor like some rebellious teenager. So here we go:
1. A stud in my nose makes me surprisingly more accessible. At least, I feel more accessible--which technically will change my behavior enough for other people to notice and feel more comfortable talking to me. People who would not have been comfortable talking to me casually because of my age or bland clothing or the carseat in the back of my car, can see that I'm just slightly in the black sheep fold and perhaps some cultural barriers can fall. This is my plan, anyway. The other option is that kids think I'm stupid because, well, I'm not a rebellious teenager with pink hair. We'll just vote for the first half of the plan.
2. I had to kill Molly Mormon. I had to break that attachment to and obsession with Mormon culture that led to so much guilt and fear. In the words of a dear friend, I had to "let what is holy be holy, and let what is mundane be mundane." Too much of my life I spent caught up in the mundane, giving it space on the holy shelf. So much time was wasted that actual holy things almost didn't fit in my life. I focused on the outer things like the cut of my clothing or the age I got married. My sense of worth was tied to the level of 'modesty' of my clothing, the level of shining star returned missionary whose hand I was holding, the clocked time I spent on my knees, how many children I could push out before I hit 30, and the clean and organized atmosphere of my home, complete with walls saturated with pictures ordered from Deseret Book.
IT. WAS. NOT. HEALTHY.
My sense of worth went down the toilet so, so, so, many times. On the outside, I was trying to conform to the Molly Mormon image, because I thought it would bring happiness, just like all the stories in the Young Women's manuals. On the inside, I contemplated suicide many times, and got close to actually following through several times.
Piercing my nose was enough to make that necessary break, and to free myself.
3. My clothes are boring. I can't afford to dress to fit my personality--I don't have the time or inclination to put in the effort that would take, and I don't have the money. I have a little smug self-satisfaction now because I know that at least a little of my personality is shining through--why, yes. Yes I am different from you, Sister.
I doubt anyone at school will ever care or even notice, but I sure will be making a statement in my ward on Sunday... :)
And if anyone in my family actually takes the time to read my blog.. surprise! hehehehe